It is the last day of January. This will be my last Dating Tip. I've most definitely saved the best for last.
Michael David Monn of Marysville, Tennessee, turned 23 in July of 2004. On his birthday he decided to wear his birthday suit and go get some nacho cheese. He scaled an eight-foot fence and broke into the snack bar at a local pool. With some Fritos and a can of nacho cheese in hand, naked Michael hopped the fence again and headed back to his Jeep. While in the snack bar he likely stuck his head right into a can o' cheese, because when police found the birthday boy he had cheese on his hair, face, and shoulders. Naked, covered in cheese, and drunk is perhaps how I'll spend my next birthday, just not in public.
So, you can try dating him, but you're going to have to fight me for him.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Dating Tip: Don't Date Naked People
This post is a collection of multiple stories, a cornucopia of naked arrests if you will. You're welcome.
Stephen Gough of Eastleigh, Hampshire, England, is determined to walk the length of Britain...naked. No matter how many times he gets arrested. Although the gypsy life may sound appealing, it's sometimes cold in England. Protect your wobbly bits and not date Stephen.
John S. Leonard III of Dallas, Texas, followed through on a plan we've all dreamed of: he stole a church van...naked. Police got a call at 2:00 a.m. about a suspicious vehicle parked in a local business parking lot (which may or may not have been down by the river). When police arrived, John took off. Cops believed he was clothed at this time, but 35 miles later, when John finally pulled over, he was not. Well, his shirt was on his head if that counts. Luckily, no one was hurt, and the church that owned the van is praying for him. Do pray for John, but maybe don't date him.
An unidentified 20-year-old man thought an Ohio rest area would be a good place to sunbathe...naked. Along busy I-90 in Conneaut, Ohio, rest area visitors complained to staff about a naked man who kept popping up and down in an adjoinig field. Staff called police. Police arrived and verified that the popping-up-and-down man was naked. The man said he didn't know people could see him. Although I unfortunately can't give you his name (because it wasn't in the article), avoid dating men whose invisibility cloaks are malfunctioning. I hope he used sunscreen.
Crackhead Larry Boyd and his lady friend stayed at the motel next to the Waffle House in Nashville, Tennessee. They got into a fight, and the lady friend fled to the Waffle House...naked. Larry followed...naked. She locked herself in the WH bathroom, and he fled in a car...naked. Police chased him. The naked lady said Larry took a hit of cocaine and started choking her. He got a few tickets. Avoid Larry.
Carlos Singleton of Jackson, Mississippi, loves the nightlife. Likely rocking out in his SUV to some house techno, Carlos didn't realize he'd hit two cars in the nightclub parking lot as he was leaving. However, others did realize that Carlos hit two cars, and they called the police. When he saw the fuzz on his tail, Carlos took off....naked. When Carlos eventually crashed into the third car, police were surprised to find him naked. As was bystander James Ford, who said, "When they pulled him, out he was butt naked." Oh eggcorns. Don't get in the car with Carlos.
Stephen Gough of Eastleigh, Hampshire, England, is determined to walk the length of Britain...naked. No matter how many times he gets arrested. Although the gypsy life may sound appealing, it's sometimes cold in England. Protect your wobbly bits and not date Stephen.
John S. Leonard III of Dallas, Texas, followed through on a plan we've all dreamed of: he stole a church van...naked. Police got a call at 2:00 a.m. about a suspicious vehicle parked in a local business parking lot (which may or may not have been down by the river). When police arrived, John took off. Cops believed he was clothed at this time, but 35 miles later, when John finally pulled over, he was not. Well, his shirt was on his head if that counts. Luckily, no one was hurt, and the church that owned the van is praying for him. Do pray for John, but maybe don't date him.
An unidentified 20-year-old man thought an Ohio rest area would be a good place to sunbathe...naked. Along busy I-90 in Conneaut, Ohio, rest area visitors complained to staff about a naked man who kept popping up and down in an adjoinig field. Staff called police. Police arrived and verified that the popping-up-and-down man was naked. The man said he didn't know people could see him. Although I unfortunately can't give you his name (because it wasn't in the article), avoid dating men whose invisibility cloaks are malfunctioning. I hope he used sunscreen.
Crackhead Larry Boyd and his lady friend stayed at the motel next to the Waffle House in Nashville, Tennessee. They got into a fight, and the lady friend fled to the Waffle House...naked. Larry followed...naked. She locked herself in the WH bathroom, and he fled in a car...naked. Police chased him. The naked lady said Larry took a hit of cocaine and started choking her. He got a few tickets. Avoid Larry.
Carlos Singleton of Jackson, Mississippi, loves the nightlife. Likely rocking out in his SUV to some house techno, Carlos didn't realize he'd hit two cars in the nightclub parking lot as he was leaving. However, others did realize that Carlos hit two cars, and they called the police. When he saw the fuzz on his tail, Carlos took off....naked. When Carlos eventually crashed into the third car, police were surprised to find him naked. As was bystander James Ford, who said, "When they pulled him, out he was butt naked." Oh eggcorns. Don't get in the car with Carlos.
Dating Tip: Don't Date Women Who Don't Check the Number Before Texting
In Salt Lake City, Utah, last week Detective Dan Wendelboth received a text message: "I have 10 Lortab 7.5." Finding it understandably amusing that he was being asked if he'd like to illegaly purchase a prescription painkiller, he responded, "How much?"
"$50."
"Where and when?"
"Wal-Mart parking lot 4700 south and 900 east at 8."
"K. C U then.
At Wal-Mart at 8:00, three woman arrived, one with the Lortab pills, one (not a doctor) with a prescription pad, and one along for the ride. A two-year-old child also came along for the ride, perhaps to learn the family business. (The child is currently in protective custody.) The women were not pleased. The first two were arrested, and the third was released.
Detective Wendelboth summed up the situation eloquently, saying the ladies "weren't real happy, but sometimes we only catch the dumb ones."
"$50."
"Where and when?"
"Wal-Mart parking lot 4700 south and 900 east at 8."
"K. C U then.
At Wal-Mart at 8:00, three woman arrived, one with the Lortab pills, one (not a doctor) with a prescription pad, and one along for the ride. A two-year-old child also came along for the ride, perhaps to learn the family business. (The child is currently in protective custody.) The women were not pleased. The first two were arrested, and the third was released.
Detective Wendelboth summed up the situation eloquently, saying the ladies "weren't real happy, but sometimes we only catch the dumb ones."
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Dating Tip: Don't Date Men Who Don't Keep to the Right
On Saturday, January 26, Frank Kozumplik ran out of wine. Mr. Kozumplik, 49, of Adrian, Michigan, had let his wife take their car to work. Wineless and carless, Frank decided to remedy the first condition. After dropping two empty wine bottles (that were full earlier that evening) into the recycling bin, Frank hopped on his John Deere riding mower and drove two miles down the road to the liquor store, where he bought four bottles of wine.
With the paper bag o' wine secured snugly on his lap, Mr. Kozumplik began his return journey, down the middle of the road, in a snowstorm. He would have made it too if it weren't for those darn cops. Finding the situation a bit odd, local police pulled the man and mower over, and found that his blood alcohol level was 2 1/2 times the legal limit. They traded him a drunk-driving ticket for the wine, and they took his mower.
If he would have stayed on his side of the road he would have been fine.
With the paper bag o' wine secured snugly on his lap, Mr. Kozumplik began his return journey, down the middle of the road, in a snowstorm. He would have made it too if it weren't for those darn cops. Finding the situation a bit odd, local police pulled the man and mower over, and found that his blood alcohol level was 2 1/2 times the legal limit. They traded him a drunk-driving ticket for the wine, and they took his mower.
If he would have stayed on his side of the road he would have been fine.
Dating Tip: Don't Date People Who Drunk Dial
At 12:29 a.m. on Sunday, January 27, Dodge County, Wisconsin, 911 dispatchers received a call.
"I'd like to report a drunk driver. She's in a tan, 2002 pickup truck with an 'I heart cheese' bumper sticker. Also, there's two empty Snapple bottles on the backseat and 'You Give Love a Bad Name' is playing on the radio."
Then the caller hung up.
So they *69ed her.
"Hello, this is Patricia Dykstra, how may I help you?"
"This is Dodge County 911; you just called about a drunk driver."
"Oh yeah, my boyfriend told me to do it. He thinks I'm too drunk to drive home, but he's the one who's wasted."
"Are you drunk, ma'am?"
"Don't think so."
"Where are you now?"
"I'm heading north on Yew Road."
"Ooh, watch out, that road has a lot of potholes."
"Yeah, I'm swerving around 'em. You know, I really don't feel safe driving and talking on the phone."
"Okay, Pat, you drive safe now. Call anytime."
Ms. Dykstra, 51, and her boyfriend arrived home safely. They chatted with the police officers who were there to greet them, explaining that he had drank a twelve-pack, and that she had drank only a six-pack, so the smart choice was for her to drive. The cops told them to have a nice night, and gave Patricia a drunk-driving ticket.
This tip could also be titled "Don't Date 911 Dispatchers Who Don't Tell Drunk Drivers to Pull Over and Continue to Talk to the Drunk Driver on the Phone While the Drunk Driver Drives.
"I'd like to report a drunk driver. She's in a tan, 2002 pickup truck with an 'I heart cheese' bumper sticker. Also, there's two empty Snapple bottles on the backseat and 'You Give Love a Bad Name' is playing on the radio."
Then the caller hung up.
So they *69ed her.
"Hello, this is Patricia Dykstra, how may I help you?"
"This is Dodge County 911; you just called about a drunk driver."
"Oh yeah, my boyfriend told me to do it. He thinks I'm too drunk to drive home, but he's the one who's wasted."
"Are you drunk, ma'am?"
"Don't think so."
"Where are you now?"
"I'm heading north on Yew Road."
"Ooh, watch out, that road has a lot of potholes."
"Yeah, I'm swerving around 'em. You know, I really don't feel safe driving and talking on the phone."
"Okay, Pat, you drive safe now. Call anytime."
Ms. Dykstra, 51, and her boyfriend arrived home safely. They chatted with the police officers who were there to greet them, explaining that he had drank a twelve-pack, and that she had drank only a six-pack, so the smart choice was for her to drive. The cops told them to have a nice night, and gave Patricia a drunk-driving ticket.
This tip could also be titled "Don't Date 911 Dispatchers Who Don't Tell Drunk Drivers to Pull Over and Continue to Talk to the Drunk Driver on the Phone While the Drunk Driver Drives.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Dating Tip: Don't Date Guys Who Keep Their Marijuana in a Shopping Bag
On Thursday, January 24, babysitter extraordinaire Eduardo Nunez was pulled over for driving 110 mph in a 65 mph zone (also for going 97 in a 55). Nunez, a 26-year-old Bronx native, sped north on I-81 in an attempt to escape the pursuing Broome County sheriff's deputies. Silly Eddie, you know trying to outrun the cops is a bad idea. Why did you do it?
Oh wait, I know.
(1) A 3-year-old was asleep in the backseat without a seat belt on and without sitting in the required safety seat.
(2) Two 15-year-olds were smoking pot in the car.
(3) He had four pounds of marijuana sitting in a shopping bag in the car. (I hope it was a Dollar Store bag.)
Don't date Eduardo. I question his decision-making abilities.
Oh wait, I know.
(1) A 3-year-old was asleep in the backseat without a seat belt on and without sitting in the required safety seat.
(2) Two 15-year-olds were smoking pot in the car.
(3) He had four pounds of marijuana sitting in a shopping bag in the car. (I hope it was a Dollar Store bag.)
Don't date Eduardo. I question his decision-making abilities.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Dating Tip: Don't Date Cops
Or at least not these two (sorry Stacy).
On Sunday in Berlin, Germany, two police officers engaged in a high-speed chase in an attempt to apprehend a speeding car. The speeder, understandably unnerved, crashed into another vehicle. The occupants of the speeding/now-crashed car fled the vehicle. The police officers jumped out of their car and pursued the offenders on foot.
However, they left the keys in the car. They soon saw their own vehicle, worth about $150,000, with them not in it, drive by.
The forgetfulness might be cute at first, especially because they wear uniforms, but it would get old after the fourth or fifth time coming home to an empty apartment because your significant other left the keys in the door.
Remember this story in case anyone remakes Keystone Kops.
On Sunday in Berlin, Germany, two police officers engaged in a high-speed chase in an attempt to apprehend a speeding car. The speeder, understandably unnerved, crashed into another vehicle. The occupants of the speeding/now-crashed car fled the vehicle. The police officers jumped out of their car and pursued the offenders on foot.
However, they left the keys in the car. They soon saw their own vehicle, worth about $150,000, with them not in it, drive by.
The forgetfulness might be cute at first, especially because they wear uniforms, but it would get old after the fourth or fifth time coming home to an empty apartment because your significant other left the keys in the door.
Remember this story in case anyone remakes Keystone Kops.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Dating Tip: Don't Let Your Roommate Date a Girl Who is Sensitive About Her Braids
On Thursday January 3rd, Nikeya Alston had her hair braided by Tiffany Jackson's roommate in Nashville, Tennessee. Nikeya later became dissatisfied with her braids, and returned to Tiffany's home demanding that Tiffany now redo her braids. Tiffany told Nikeya that she would not redo her braids.
The next morning, Nikeya returned to the scene of the braiding. Noticing her reflection in Tiffany's car windows, she was once again reminded of how unhappy she was with her braids. She expressed her unhappiness by letting the air out of Tiffany's car tires. Later in the day, feeling her unhappiness hadn't been sufficiently expressed, Nikeya returned to Tiffany's apartment and shot Tiffany in the leg. Nikeya then fled...and still has not been found.
So, if you see Ms. Alston, or, more important, if your roommate is dating her, contact the Nashville Police. Don't touch her hair.
The next morning, Nikeya returned to the scene of the braiding. Noticing her reflection in Tiffany's car windows, she was once again reminded of how unhappy she was with her braids. She expressed her unhappiness by letting the air out of Tiffany's car tires. Later in the day, feeling her unhappiness hadn't been sufficiently expressed, Nikeya returned to Tiffany's apartment and shot Tiffany in the leg. Nikeya then fled...and still has not been found.
So, if you see Ms. Alston, or, more important, if your roommate is dating her, contact the Nashville Police. Don't touch her hair.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Dating Tip: Don't Date Guys with Machetes
(Because of the brilliant suggestion by my friend Sarah, January will be a theme month. This theme might save the world.)
On January 1, 2008, as the sun rose in the mobile home park of Casa del Monte, in West Palm Beach, Florida, one friend's disappointment in the other led to violence. The first, trusting friend lent the second friend $25.00 with which to purchase beer. When the first friend returned later and discovered beer had not been purchased, he was quite upset. He understandably requested that his money be returned to him. The second friend did not return the money. Left with no beer and no money, the first friend knew something must be done. The something to be done? Attack friend #2 with a machete.
Don't date a guy with a machete, and don't date a guy who has a friend with a machete. And always buy your own beer at six o'clock in the morning.
On January 1, 2008, as the sun rose in the mobile home park of Casa del Monte, in West Palm Beach, Florida, one friend's disappointment in the other led to violence. The first, trusting friend lent the second friend $25.00 with which to purchase beer. When the first friend returned later and discovered beer had not been purchased, he was quite upset. He understandably requested that his money be returned to him. The second friend did not return the money. Left with no beer and no money, the first friend knew something must be done. The something to be done? Attack friend #2 with a machete.
Don't date a guy with a machete, and don't date a guy who has a friend with a machete. And always buy your own beer at six o'clock in the morning.
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