Forced noncompliance.

This is another addition to the list of ironies:

An icy handicap ramp.

Is this ironic?
Let's go with it.

Speek American

The United States has NO official national language.
So don't tell people they HAVE to speak a specific language.
They don't.

Not even because you think they should.

And saying they should makes you look like an a-hole.

If it turns out most people speak Swahili, well then learn Swahili. If you walk into a business owned by a French person who speaks French, he or she is under no legal obligation to speak anything other than French, just as you the English speaker are under no obligation to speak anything other than English. Almost as many people speak Spanish in the country as people who speak English, so be prepared, especially if you continue this xenophobic instistence that everyone caught between Mexico and Canada must speak English because the majority (read: you) speak English, for the tables to be turned when English is not the majorityish's language. You'll probably be whistling a different tune then. In Spanish.

The inability to communicate because of language differences is frustrating. What saddens but does not suprise me is that as Americans our immediate--and only--answer to the problem is: Conform to our way. I know this may be a revolutionary concept, so I apologize for being so far out in left field, but maybe we could compromise? As non-English speakers learn English, maybe it wouldn't kill us to learn a little Spanish/French/Japanese/Arabic/etc.? Maybe.

Columbus sailed the ocean blue.

Illegal immigration began in 1492.
Get over yourselves.

Just because you were born in the United States doesn't mean you deserve more rights than those born in other countries. You are just lucky. Lucky/blessed/fortunate--pick one, one that means something gained that was not of your own achievement. So maybe instead of fighting to deny these rights to others who weren't so lucky, you should work so that every human can have them.

As much as you may like to think (because it makes you feel powerful and justifies your horrible attitude) that people despise Americans because they are jealous of us, it's clearly not true; they despise us because we squander our vast opportunities to be truly great, and instead spend our time and money building killing machines, eating quadruple cheeseburgers on Styrofoam plates, legalizing discrimination/hatred, taking jobs and help away from the poor and then criticizing them for being poor, raising college tuition prices and reducing scholarship and grant money, homogenizing the media, making racist/sexist/homophobic jokes, giving false prophets and Pharisees their own television and radio shows, invoking the ideals of our forefathers and foremothers and then doing the opposite, celebrating ignorance, and arguing over who God likes better.

We are a-holes.
We don't have to be a-holes.
But what do I know?

(And while we're at it, we can fix the worry about overpopulation. How? I'll give you a hint. It starts with an "e" and ends in a "ducation." But that's another topic entirely and I have to go take a shower.)

Is it 2008 yet?

I'm thinking about having a baby just so he or she can wear a onesie that says, "If I were old enough, I'd vote for Barack Obama."

Just kidding, Mom.
Sort of.

One year, 360 days to go.

Gooder writing tip #7.

Topic: ie versus ei.
Say it with me: i before e except after c.
Very good.

"Then what about neighbor? And weigh? And freight?"

Well, smartass, I'm not finished yet.
This rule applies to the words in which ie or ei makes the "ee" sound, as in "feet."
Receive.
Conceive.

Now for the real exceptions:
Weird, protein, leisure, seizure, either, codeine, sheik, weir.

I'm sure others exist, but these are enough to know to make you the hit of every party you attend. No need to thank me.

Milton Schmilton

I dare not deny you more of my poetry.
This is special poetry.
It is a series of decorative poetry from my (yes, metal) desk/pod.

Magnet Poetry: Mixed Up Cliches

I'm into my bad sweat.
Is it me or is it the sweet smell?
There is no I in your heart.
You're a bad idea.
It was as clear as whatever.
That really takes the whole nine yards back nine.
Wear a silver lining in a cheap suit.
It's raining on cloud nine.
Don't fix it by its cover.
FYI you don't rock.
The farm dog says: I like barking!
It's not eggs.
My two cents is only skin deep.
That don't look good in one basket.
I'd go for a piece of cake and a fork.
I go to those who go there.
It was like you know the saying like they say per se.
It's all the bottom line.

Gooder writing tip #6.

Okay. This one is starting to drive me a little bananas.
Bee eh en eh en eh ess.
(Sorry--couldn't help myself.)
(Actually, I could help myself and just didn't want to.)

Topic: single quotation mark versus double quotation mark.

When quoting, or putting a word in quotes, always use DOUBLE quotation marks.

Only when the quote is within a quote is the single quotation mark okay (unless the quote is an extract, which is not enclosed in quotes to begin with; a quote within an extract also gets double quotation marks).

Or a single quotation mark is correct if you are talking about a cultivar.
You write: She told me it was the 'truth.'
You're saying: truth is an organism of an agricultural or horticulural variety originating and persistent under cultivation. And if this is the case, truth should be capitalized.
'Truth.' Cultivar of champions.

Maybe if we change keyboards so that the "shift" keys make the quotation mark single, then the problem may not be as bad. And it may stop the disgusting overuse of misplaced apostrophes. (Yes--the Oakland Athletics jerseys should read "As." They should have thought of that before they abbreviated their name. Now they have to go out every game with a fragment on their shirts. I don't know how they live with the shame.)

The lesson: Use double quotation marks. Your odds are far better.

Gooder writing tip #5.

Topic: who versus that.

WHO is for people.
THAT is for not people.

Hugh Jackman is the actor that plays Wolverine. NO.
Hugh Jackman is the actor who plays Woverine. YES.
Hugh Jackman. Yes.

Disclaimer.

My posting of Bruce Tinsley's Mallard Fillmore comic is in no way an endorsement of Bruce's or Mallard's political viewpoints. But if apostrophe misuse can bring about some commonality and understanding across our very, very great divide, then that I can support.

I will not get into our differences in philosophy. Mallard and I can be united in our cause to prevent apostrophe abuse.

Finally, someone who understands my plight.

Even if it is a duck.
(Click on it to make it bigger.)



And because I can't help myself:
the teal ribbon is already taken for a Sexual Abuse Awareness Month in April.

Lord Byron Schmord Byron

I shall share more of my wondrous poetry with you.
I call this one "Cleaning the Keyboard."

ggyuityuikogggyuiklyui1`qyuoertyuiortyucaAAQQ~ , NM,GHBNJM,BNM''
,DFGH
a';\'\\ ik,jmiugdxwwwwwwwwwweeeeewwewwweeeeq
wasssssssssssssss1qreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
trrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtrttrrrrrrttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrmkkk
,,jhj8ouiuu47+
p[op[op[p[;[;;.,,.,mmmmmnnbvbhhghfgfgdfgggggggggffdf
kkkkkkkkll;''''
kkkkkkkkjk

Some letters are dirtier than others.

Bittersweet me.

Dear Michael Stipe,
Happy birthday.
Love,
Tara

P.S. I miss you showing up in my dreams. Remember that time we went house hunting and then jumped into the pool from the second-floor porch? That was awesome. Especially when we realized the pool was filled with raspberry vodka and Al Gore was mowing the lawn. Then there was the time you were bartending at that bar in Boston, the one Oprah took me to and then introduced me to NSync, who to my surprise turned out to be little people (using the politically correct term). That was awesome too. I wished Al Gore could have made it. I'm sorry about that time we were at dinner at Cinderella's and I punched you. You did just say something bad about Al Gore. I'll try not to do it again.

When it rains...

On NPR this afternoon, Talk of the Nation was held at the Capitol Building in honor of the first session of Congress of 2007. Neal Conan's guests are of course congresspersons, and the topic? Is pharmaceutical policy.

For the past two+ months I have been freelance editing a 700-page pharmaceutical policy book. As one of the congressman spoke, I with dismay understood every single word he said. I realized then that I must use my new knowledge to help humankind. So here goes.

The next time you are at a super-hip party and want to make new friends quickly, or you think your pharmacist is hot and you want to impress him or her, simply say the following sentence:

Donut hole Medigap cost sharing pharmaceutical benefits management mail service Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act evidence-based copayment capitation preferred-drug list formulary noncompliance relabeling three-tiered reimbursement prior approval patent Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act P&T committee FDA HHS CMS NDA GAO NIH IOM OTC PPI AWP.

It's sure to do all you hope it will.
Mmmm donut hole.