Friday, January 30, 2009

25 Things

If you have a Facebook account, you’ve probably been tagged in the note “25 things” (or similar title). Friends write 25 factoids about themselves, send you this note, and request that you write 25 factoids about yourself. I actually enjoyed writing mine, and I am so self-involved that I’m going to try to come up with 25 more here. This is likely my attempt to convince myself I’m interesting, as I’m sure you’ve already decided one way or another. You should try this too.

1. I hate shopping, especially grocery shopping. Sometimes I’ll enjoy a good bookstore or record shop, but I really have to be in the mood.
2. I don’t like talking on the phone and avoid it.
3. Besides Pacey, and the rampant self-reflection and pop psychology references, what I miss most about Dawson’s Creek is the music. The show had really good music. When I have the precious opportunity to flip through channels, I’ll sometimes stop on a CW melodrama to listen to the music.
4. If I weren’t married I’d want to be Zach Braff’s girlfriend (or at least his public persona’s girlfriend). I know he tries a little too hard to mean something—and if you ever really want to mean something you can’t actually try to mean something—but goshdarnit I find it endearing. For all of the reasons you hate him, I love him. And he was nice to Keith at the Bowery Mission, and this makes Zach cool.
5. I don’t do cute: I don’t call my husband “Timmy,” I don’t sleep with stuffed animals (Batman, though filled with stuffing, is not a stuffed animal), Oscar is my favorite Muppet, I don’t talk baby talk unless I’m trying to piss off my cats or teach babies irony, and the only cartoon character I have on an article of clothing is Smurfette, on pajamas, and this is only because Santa gave them to me.
6. I do like Santa, but I do not like Christmas.
7. I wish I were a better liar.
8. I’d love to be that girl who lights up the room, but, let’s face it, I’d crack under the pressure. And I’d probably have to be cuter.
9. I’d love to be a brilliant writer. For awhile in college I thought I may have it in me, but I’m pretty sure the professor who made me think so just wanted to sleep with me.
10. I’m surprised I married a normal person.
11. I laugh at my own jokes.
12. I’m sometimes a good heckler, even avoiding heckling based on the player’s appearance or mother’s sexual morality. However, I need to be inspired by either beer or fellow hecklers.
13. I wish I could play guitar. If I tried harder I might be able to, but it didn’t come naturally like wanted it to so I stop trying. I think they call this lazy.
14. I’m closed-minded toward people who aren’t open-minded.
15. I’m not ready to have a child. Call me stunted.
16. Sarcasm is my greatest strength (and weakness).
17. I worry a lot, about things that could happen. I realize the futility of this, but when something happens and I didn’t worry about it, I beat myself up for not doing anything to prevent it.
18. I like cuss words. They are a necessary part of communication. They are, however, horrendously overused and thus have lost all poetry.
19. I’m very protective of my husband. This isn’t to say that I don’t realize he is/was a grown man who can/could make his own decisions, but if I know you’ve hurt him I probably don’t like you. I’d say sorry, but I wouldn’t mean it. I’m kind of a German shepherd.
20. Of the who, what, when, where, why, and hows in life, I focus mostly on the why. It’s both maddening and fulfilling.
21. I avoid haunted houses, because when I am startled I punch. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
22. I don’t like action films. Some examples: Indiana Jones, Terminator, or anything directed by Michael Bay. I don’t like college boob movies either. Even more than the movies, I don’t like guys in real life who try to be like the boob movies guys. I want you to look in the mirror and repeat: I am not Van Wilder, nor do I want to be.
23. I watch the Super Bowl for the Super Bowl.
24. My high school class is trying to have an 11th-year reunion because we didn’t have a 10th. I hope my reunion is like Liz Lemon’s.
25. I think more people should actually read the Bible, not quote it.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Dating Tip: Don't Date People Who Call a Cab for a Getaway Car

Cab driver Harold Webb of Toledo, Ohio, isn't nosy. When passengers enter his cab carrying three televisions, he doesn't like to ask questions. C'est la vie is Harold's policy. He does, however, draw the line when you offer to sell him one of the televisions for cab fare.

Daniel Standridge, after looting a Greek restaurant and dropping his wallet in the stairway, decided it would be a good idea to call a cab to assist with the transport of his stolen goods. Harold Webb was the lucky driver. Danny asked Harold to drive him home, his actual home, unafraid that Harold would suspect any criminal activity; people take cab rides with multiple televisions and boxes of liquor all of the time. Besides, his excuse was flawless: the restaurant was going out of business and the boss wanted three TVs and some liquor.

Unaware of his lost wallet until it came time to pay his getaway driver, D-dog asked Harold to wait while he retrieved money from the house. Finding no money, Dan the man then asked Harold to drive him to the ATM. Alas, Senor Standridge had only $9.00 available, and tried to sell Harold a TV. Whether it was the lack of compensation, or all of the other factors, Harold decided to call the cops. He knew the theft's address after all.

If you must date a thief, at least date one who has a car.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Dating Tip: Don't Date People Who Set Pubs on Fire, Then Themselves, Then their Car

And then goes to the nearby hospital to get treated for burns.

On a clear, calm night in May, Lee Sood took a leisurely late-night drive down a quiet Rugby High Street in Coventry, Warwickshire. Mr. Sood thought to himself, Gee, I should liven it up a bit 'round here. After consulting his two BFFs in the car with him, he decided to throw a brick through the window of Walkabout Pub. The loud crash and the tinkling sound of the broken window delighted the three friends, but was over too soon. Then he thought, I know! I'll set it on fire! His friends agreed that this would indeed be fun and pretty. It didn't work out so well.



Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dating Tip: Don't Date People Who Fake Their Own Deaths and Go to the Funeral

Alternate title: "Don't Date People Who Fake Their Own Death in Order to Leave Church."

One day in late 2006, 27-year-old Alison Matera of Port Richey, Florida, grew tired of singing in the choir. She told her fellow songbirds that she had cancer, and had only months to live. She then left the church and went on hospice care. Her caring hospice nurse, with a voice very similar to Alison's, kept the choir updated on Alison's treatment. Then, on January 18, 2007, Alison's sister, also having a voice similar to Alison's, informed the church that Ms. Matera had passed away. The church naturally gathered for a memorial service, which Ms. Matera's sister naturally attended.

Choir member 1: Did you know Alison had a sister?
Choir member 2: No, I did not. Why?
Choir member 1: That girl looks just like Alison!
Choir member 2: Wow! You are right. Let's go talk to her.
Choir member 1: Yes, let's.
Choir member 2: Hello, Alison.
Ms. Matera: Hi, Susan - I mean, hello fellow mourner. I am Alison's sister, Malison.
Choir member 1: Malison, do you know the phone number for the local sheriff's office?
Ms. Matera: Why yes, it is 847-5878.
Choir member 2: We are sorry for your loss (raises both hands in fists, extends index and middle fingers, bending them two times, creating a shape remarkably similar to quotation marks), Malison.

Later that evening, the sheriff arrives at Alison's apartment and knocks on the door.

Alison: Hello, officer. How can I help you?
Sheriff: Really? You answered the door?
Alison: Oh. Right.

So, while I don't want to deter you from dating death-fakers per se, maybe avoid those who go undisguised to their own funeral. Something to think about.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dating Tip: Do Date People Who Fight the Law and the Law Loses

This story also comes from the UK. Balance.

21-year-old Dale Lyle drives a 14-year-old Honda Civic. One day he opens a piece of mail from the Crown Prosecution Service: a ticket for speeding, 98 miles per hour. After checking the immediate vicinity for hidden cameras and/or Howie Mandel, he decided to let the authorities know that he, um, drives a 1995 Honda Civic, which can't even go 98 mph. What do the authorities do? Make Dale prove it. What does Dale do? He proves it. He hires driving expert to drive his car, a driving expert who can get the Honda to reach a maximum speed of only 85 mph. Dale wins.

Dale now plans to sue the CPS for his expenses.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Dating Tip: Don't Date Lying Lifeguards or Confessional Killers

Or any kind of liar or killer, really. This dating tip could also fall under the "posting incriminating photos on the Internet" tip, a tip that cannot be repeated enough.

Today's warnings come from jolly old England. Despite his sweet tats and penchant for surfing, deny your urges for Joe Olroy of Paignton, Devon. You may be impressed as well by his lifesaving abilities and his knack for cheating the system, but, really, don't be. Joey O, who the Department of Work and Pensions believed to be afflicted with various debilitating ailments, posted current photos of himself surfing and boating on his Facebook. In fact, if it is a valid Facebook account, the photo of him boating is his profile picture.

Speaking of Facebook, pay attention to your date's status updates, and maybe be a little worried if it states "i feel like killing some1." The a-hole I quote is Leon Craig Ramsden, who allegedly stabbed a man to death a few hours after his helpful update. Tributes to Paul Gilligan, the murdered man, can be found here. Even if Ramsden is not convicted, I wouldn't recommend dating someone who feels like killing someone and lets everyone on Facebook know.

You're welcome.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Dating Tip: Don't Date Drama Queens

The girl or boy kind.

If being with you does not make your date happier, don't date him or her. If you're entire relationship is based on drama, don't date him or her.

Don't try to make your SO - significant other - feel better, because it won't work; this person is happy only when he or she is miserable. And absolutely do not create drama just to keep the relationship together, especially if that drama involves a previous relationship. (And if that's the case, you probably shouldn't have got together in the first place.)

To demonstrate, here is another Scrubs video, along with a gift idea from MAD TV.



Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dating Tip: Do Date Persons in a Bromance or Homance

(Sorry - I couldn't find another word for girl crushes, and it rhymes.)

If you're straight and have found yourself dating a man or woman who is in a straight relationship with someone of the same sex, put this in the "pros" column of your pros and cons list. You will sometimes be a little jealous of the time they spend together and of their inside jokes, but you'll get over it, mostly because the inside jokes aren't funny. The bro or ho loves your significant other in a way you never will, or, should I say, in a way you will never have to. Think about it: Do you really want to see that movie? Do you really know or care what they are talking about? Did you really want to go to that thing? Of course not. This other relationship provides your boyfriend or girlfriend the attention he or she needs while you can pay attention to yourself.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dating Tip: Do Date People Who Let Their Children Clean the Snow Off of Their Car

I'm always telling you who not to date. Well, this time around, I'm going to include some people you should date. For example, I'm not sure to whom these kids belong, or whether he or she is available, but they live across the street from me if you are interested. Everyone wins. (It's a plastic shovel.)






Sunday, January 11, 2009

Dating Tip: Don't Date Someone Who Posts Incriminating Pictures on a Social Networking Site

You've all seen them: people who post pictures of themselves smoking weed, workers who called in sick posting pictures of themselves on the beach that day, graffiti artists posting photos of their work, teens who videotape themselves beating another teen, offspring who post photos of the party they had when their partents were away, underage staff of a Christian camp posting photos of themselves drinking while camp is in session - you get the picture. Whether or not you date people who participate in these activities is up to you, but you should definitely not date those who post pictures of them.

In particular, don't date people who bathe in fast-food-restaurant sinks and post videos of it on YouTube and photos of it on MySpace.

25-year-old Timothy Tackett once worked at Burger King in Xenia, Ohio (also the setting of the movie Gummo), and decided to bathe in the restaurant's sink for his birthday . . . then post the video on YouTube. Timbo got fired, and he for some reason removed the video from his YouTube account. Two teenage KFC workers took an after-hours dip at their Redding, California, restaurant . . . and then posted photos of it on MySpace. Think before you date any these individuals, mostly because you'll end up on the Internet and likely mocked for it.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Dating Tip: Don't Date College Students with Misguided Causes

This is a story from September 2006, but worth repeating because (1) it helps support this valuable dating tip of not dating college students with misguided causes and (2) it features a local college student whose misguided cause landed him coveted mockery on The Daily Show.

Binghamton University student Aaron Akaberi became a Rastafarian in the summer of 2006 and decided to follow the Rastafarian diet called ital. This posed a problem for the returning sophomore: Binghamton University requires that all students living on campus have a university meal plan, but the school, like many (most) schools, does not have a Rastafarian dining hall, so what was the Rastafarian to do? Despite Sodexho's willingness to prepare food within ital's requirements, Akaberi felt they wouldn't keep their word, and so he decided to go on a hunger strike in support of his Rastafarianism - or so he said.

It turns out Aaron's real beef was with the mandatory meal plan. If he had made this his cause from the beginning, he might have gotten much more support and much less mockery. You don't want your boo to end up on The Daily Show, so ensure as soon as possible that any dating prospect who has a cause has clear motivation, logical complaints, and a desired outcome. It wouldn't hurt if he or she could articulate one or all of these things.


Friday, January 09, 2009

Dating Tip: Don't Date Remorseful Burglars

You want your significant other to at least look cool in his or her mug shot, right? Since this is the case, do not date Jason Vibber, who loves latex gloves and stealing stuff in Clermont, Florida.




For photos of more remorseful criminals, visit "Stop Crying and Say Cheese" by The Smoking Gun.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

The return of "Dating Tips"

As I was perusing my older posts for some more anonymous comment gems (there weren't any, sorry) I realized that last January was a theme month, and that it is January now, so this month's blog posts will have a theme: Dating Tips. I don't know how I forgot. If I don't have a dating tip today, I will soon. Stay tuned.

Why I love blogs:

On January 30, 2007, I wrote a blog entry about how the United States has no law stating that English is our language, and, therefore, no one has the right to make anyone in the country speak English. You may feel they should, but you have no legal leg to stand on. Instead of complaining (because it makes you sound like an a-hole), write to your congressperson about creating a law making English the official language of the United States.

I've been going through some of my old posts and found this anonymous comment on my "Speek American" post. I have no idea how long it's been there, so you may have already seen it. But if not, enjoy!

"It is not a matter of Do it our way. It is a matter of tradition. Maybe we feel like our ancestors were forced to do this the legal way. We put in the time and energy to become Americans. We promoted the ability to come here the way we did, to contribute to society, the way we did. We spent our money here, and didn't send it back to our homeland. We created a community where we are all one. We Molded our cultures into one community, one culture. Not a separatist community where we all live our own cultures. YOUR way we will never become one. Who the hell do you think YOU are to interfere with 200+ years of tradition? You call yourself an American? We will never be a Spanish speaking country. There will be WAR before that happens. Sure you may get California back, but you can have that leftist liberal commie state. There are too many armed traditionalist militias filled with REAL Americans who love our forefathers and will not let this happen to their country. Lest we forget True Americans have been arming themselves since 1776. Study history my young scholar."

Tuesday, January 06, 2009

Inspiration

My friends Sarah and Eric recently put a new picture atop their blog, and it inspired me to change mine up a bit. My posts are still as lame as ever, but the look is different. I hope you like it.

Monday, January 05, 2009

The Next Step

This May Tim is completing his bachelor's degree in history, then it's on to grad school to get a master of the arts in teaching (MAT) or the equivalent. What's up in the air right now is where Tim will be going to grad school. He's in the process of applying, so please keep us in your thoughts and prayers in the coming months. I don't usually make this type of request, but this is a really big thing. If you feel so moved, you can pray that Tim gets into the grad school he most wants to get into, but in case it doesn't work that way, prayers for patience, confidence, clarity, and any other attribute you think would help us in this process would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

We got a new camera

For Christmas Tim and I got a late, great wedding gift. With this money we bought a new digitial camera, a purchase long overdue. Here is a picture of my old camera:



I've had this camera for at least five years. It's treated me well, but it was time to move on.

We decided to buy a Fujifilm FinePix S2000HD, which arrived just a few days ago. After church yesterday, since it was sunny and snowy, we took a trip up to Sky Lake to play with our new camera. This got me outside for a sustained period of time in the winter, which made Tim happy since he actually likes winter.

Side note
This is the second time this winter I've played outside, the other time being the weekend before Christmas in Alfred, where my extended family found itself on top of a long, curvy, iced-over driveway and spent the entire day racing sleds down this long, curvy, iced-over driveway. This is kind of a big deal: Last year I skied in April, and that was the extent of my winter activities. So, yes, I want a trophy.
Side note over


Below are a few of the pictures we took.











Friday, January 02, 2009

A toast

To family, friends, and church. To youth groups and campers. To good neighbors, bad neighbors, and people who do not want to be my neighbor. To dictionaries and grammar manuals and job security. To booze cruises and building rafts. To moonbows and snake churches and Sonic. To using all of the dish soap to slide down the grass and all of the PAM to slide down the snow. To laptops and coffee mugs and blogs and voting. To Internet videos. To questions and facts. To tailgates. To excuses to get together and the people who get together. To going to the other movie. To minor league sports and debates and reality television. To everyone reading this.

Happy New Year.

P.S.

I am running a marathon for myself. I am not running a marathon for charity; even I could think of better ways to help a charity than to run for 26.2 miles with a bunch of people for fun. However, since I'm going to run 26.2 miles for fun anyway, and people watch, and people might give to a charity for it, why not? It's like sprinkles on frosting - unecessary, but better. I'll keep you posted on my decision. You know I'll be soliciting.