Dear John,

I'm not funny. So I can't help you with your comedy, Mr. Kerry. But our Commander in Chief is funny...or should I say, our Comedian in Chief. (See? I'm not funny. I wasn't sure if you believed me.)

Go back with me to 2004, to the Radio and Television Correspondents dinner. Our president is regaling us with self-deprecating jokes, per the tradition. You laugh because it's kind of funny. Then he cues a video. Ooh! Audiovisual entertainment! This is going to be great!

And you are right. It’s better than you could have imagined. Our president is on the video, going throughout the White House, looking for weapons of mass destruction. Are they under his desk? No! Are they in the cupboard? No! You sit, transfixed. Will he find the WMD? Then you think: You know what would be really funny? If the president told everyone Iraq had the WMD! You can barely contain yourself. What a good joke. The armed forces would go rushing over and start blowing stuff up, the National Guard would become ironic, and journalists and reporters and humanitarian workers would all go over and set up camp; they’d actually believe him! You know the entire administration would get in on it, they are such jokers. You fall off of your chair you are laughing so hard. Then it occurs to you, all of the people who go to and are already in Iraq have a good chance of being killed! A ridiculously large number of people will be killed! Pee trickles down your leg into your shoe.

The video continues to play. The president still can’t find the WMD. Will he ever admit to the joke? You sure hope not. People dying for a joke is the funniest thing in the world. Husbands whose wives have died in Iraq are at home watching the dinner on C-SPAN and cracking up. Sons whose fathers have been murdered in Iraq can’t wait to grow up and join the army and have their deaths mocked by the man who sent them to be killed. Mothers who can’t sleep at night because their children are being bombed half a world away can now sleep soundly because it’s all in good fun.

So, John, if you are reading this, take a note from the president and make a joke of our troops dying for your mistake. I know how tired you are of apologizing. I mean, c’mon, who would be outraged by this kind of joke? Seriously. I’ve listed the following Web sites so you can refresh your memory. Good luck!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/4608166/
http://releases.usnewswire.com/GetRelease.asp?id=38708
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3570845.stm
http://www.thenation.com/blogs/capitalgames?pid=1336
http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/03/26/1551240