25 Things

If you have a Facebook account, you’ve probably been tagged in the note “25 things” (or similar title). Friends write 25 factoids about themselves, send you this note, and request that you write 25 factoids about yourself. I actually enjoyed writing mine, and I am so self-involved that I’m going to try to come up with 25 more here. This is likely my attempt to convince myself I’m interesting, as I’m sure you’ve already decided one way or another. You should try this too.

1. I hate shopping, especially grocery shopping. Sometimes I’ll enjoy a good bookstore or record shop, but I really have to be in the mood.
2. I don’t like talking on the phone and avoid it.
3. Besides Pacey, and the rampant self-reflection and pop psychology references, what I miss most about Dawson’s Creek is the music. The show had really good music. When I have the precious opportunity to flip through channels, I’ll sometimes stop on a CW melodrama to listen to the music.
4. If I weren’t married I’d want to be Zach Braff’s girlfriend (or at least his public persona’s girlfriend). I know he tries a little too hard to mean something—and if you ever really want to mean something you can’t actually try to mean something—but goshdarnit I find it endearing. For all of the reasons you hate him, I love him. And he was nice to Keith at the Bowery Mission, and this makes Zach cool.
5. I don’t do cute: I don’t call my husband “Timmy,” I don’t sleep with stuffed animals (Batman, though filled with stuffing, is not a stuffed animal), Oscar is my favorite Muppet, I don’t talk baby talk unless I’m trying to piss off my cats or teach babies irony, and the only cartoon character I have on an article of clothing is Smurfette, on pajamas, and this is only because Santa gave them to me.
6. I do like Santa, but I do not like Christmas.
7. I wish I were a better liar.
8. I’d love to be that girl who lights up the room, but, let’s face it, I’d crack under the pressure. And I’d probably have to be cuter.
9. I’d love to be a brilliant writer. For awhile in college I thought I may have it in me, but I’m pretty sure the professor who made me think so just wanted to sleep with me.
10. I’m surprised I married a normal person.
11. I laugh at my own jokes.
12. I’m sometimes a good heckler, even avoiding heckling based on the player’s appearance or mother’s sexual morality. However, I need to be inspired by either beer or fellow hecklers.
13. I wish I could play guitar. If I tried harder I might be able to, but it didn’t come naturally like wanted it to so I stop trying. I think they call this lazy.
14. I’m closed-minded toward people who aren’t open-minded.
15. I’m not ready to have a child. Call me stunted.
16. Sarcasm is my greatest strength (and weakness).
17. I worry a lot, about things that could happen. I realize the futility of this, but when something happens and I didn’t worry about it, I beat myself up for not doing anything to prevent it.
18. I like cuss words. They are a necessary part of communication. They are, however, horrendously overused and thus have lost all poetry.
19. I’m very protective of my husband. This isn’t to say that I don’t realize he is/was a grown man who can/could make his own decisions, but if I know you’ve hurt him I probably don’t like you. I’d say sorry, but I wouldn’t mean it. I’m kind of a German shepherd.
20. Of the who, what, when, where, why, and hows in life, I focus mostly on the why. It’s both maddening and fulfilling.
21. I avoid haunted houses, because when I am startled I punch. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
22. I don’t like action films. Some examples: Indiana Jones, Terminator, or anything directed by Michael Bay. I don’t like college boob movies either. Even more than the movies, I don’t like guys in real life who try to be like the boob movies guys. I want you to look in the mirror and repeat: I am not Van Wilder, nor do I want to be.
23. I watch the Super Bowl for the Super Bowl.
24. My high school class is trying to have an 11th-year reunion because we didn’t have a 10th. I hope my reunion is like Liz Lemon’s.
25. I think more people should actually read the Bible, not quote it.