Don't do it!

I just finished sending a Merry Christmas e-mail to my freshman roommate from college, who is now married to her college boyfriend. So it got me thinking about the "college relationship" and how weird it is, or at least was when I was in college.

College relationships fall into a few categories: the college student (usually a freshman guy) still dating the significant other from high school who is still in high school, the college student dating another college student from a different college, two students from the same college dating, friends with benefits, that person you make out with if you end up at the same party, or, which seemed the most prevalent at my college, two college students from the same college who officially date for awhile but breakup and still have sex, this post-breakup relationship lasting far longer than the "real" one.

Sometimes, rarely, both parties involved were adults about it. By "adults" I mean somewhat realistic, knowing that it was a temporary situation until one or the other moved on and/or found someone else. Inevitable awkwardness would ensue, but it wouldn't last long. Granted, the moving on would have occurred much sooner if they'd have stopped sleeping together, but different strokes I guess. Most of the time, though, one or both parties were fooling themselves. Sometimes both fooled themselves into thinking they were "adults" who could simply stop when they decided to, who were over the other and simply passing time in a pleasurable way. However, in most cases, the post-breakup "relationship" persisted because the person who got dumped still had feelings for the dumper, and the dumper still wanted the dumped to have feelings for him or her; the dumped fooled himself or herself into thinking they were going to get back together and that the other person actually cared.

Thankfully, I actually never found myself in this particular situation. Well, not the college and sex part anyway.

side note
When I went to school I fell into the "college student dating a college student from another college" category, and, even worse, a carryover relationship from high school. A few months into academia I was given an ultimatum by my significant other, one which neither of us were willing to budge on, so he broke up with me. So I cut him off basically completely. The breakup was inevitable, I know now, since what I perceived as/forced to be a relationship he had intended to be a fling (yes, I know you expected it to be the other way around). I initially cut him off completely out of stubborness, because he had said he wanted to still be close friends and I stopped being his friend to punish him. Turns out this was the right way to go anyway, even if my intentions were cruel. I no doubt would have been the one fooling herself into believing we would get back together.
side note over

However, I likely feel close to this last scenario because my husband found himself in a similar situation, long before me of course. It made him completely miserable. Do I have a point? I don't know. Do I have instructions? Yes.

If you are the dumper: If you have any amount of decency or any sense of kindness end the relationship when you ended the relationship. You know this is the right thing to do. Sure, the relapse may be comfortable, and you may actually think you are doing the other person a favor. You aren't. You are making it so much worse. No matter what the other person says, if he or she proposes the post-breakup relationship tell him or her NO. If you have proposed or initiated the post-breakup relationship, get over yourself and end it. Fewer things in this world are crueler than to break up with someone and then not let him or her go. You are selfish and manipulative. Stop it now (if you are actually capable of not being selfish and manipulative).

If you are the dumped: If you are thinking of pursuing a post-breakup relationship, DON'T. This means you still have feelings for the person, and you are fooling yourself if you think this would help more than hurt. He or she broke up with you; this person does not want to be with you. If this person is not letting you move on, call him or her out (feel free to use some bad names if necessary). If this person has proposed a post-breakup relationship, run far, far away. Warn your friends. I know it sounds good right now, but you will be miserable. Run. Away. Make sure to get your things back first. If you really believe you two are meant to be, which you probably believe if the breakup is new, it's better to have a clean break now or you will forever resent him or her, and then never really be meant to be. If you can't run away, hopefully you have some friends who will at least try to help.

Webster's defines "closure" as "an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality." You will never get this from the other person. Closure, if it in fact exists, comes from being away from the other person, from starting a new routine, from reconnecting with old friends you may have pushed away (which in a healthy relationship doesn't happen, by the way), from finding new interests. If all else fails, give me a call and we'll hang out.