Love Letter #1

Dear Pizza,

You are the best.

Love,
Tara

February

It's February again. Time for love letters. Lucky you, two theme months in a row! I can't promise no repeats from last February's letters, but I'll do my best to love more things.

Dating Tip: Don't Date This Guy Because I Want To

It is the last day of January. This will be my last Dating Tip. I've most definitely saved the best for last.

Michael David Monn of Marysville, Tennessee, turned 23 in July of 2004. On his birthday he decided to wear his birthday suit and go get some nacho cheese. He scaled an eight-foot fence and broke into the snack bar at a local pool. With some Fritos and a can of nacho cheese in hand, naked Michael hopped the fence again and headed back to his Jeep. While in the snack bar he likely stuck his head right into a can o' cheese, because when police found the birthday boy he had cheese on his hair, face, and shoulders. Naked, covered in cheese, and drunk is perhaps how I'll spend my next birthday, just not in public.

So, you can try dating him, but you're going to have to fight me for him.

Dating Tip: Don't Date Naked People

This post is a collection of multiple stories, a cornucopia of naked arrests if you will. You're welcome.

Stephen Gough of Eastleigh, Hampshire, England, is determined to walk the length of Britain...naked. No matter how many times he gets arrested. Although the gypsy life may sound appealing, it's sometimes cold in England. Protect your wobbly bits and not date Stephen.

John S. Leonard III of Dallas, Texas, followed through on a plan we've all dreamed of: he stole a church van...naked. Police got a call at 2:00 a.m. about a suspicious vehicle parked in a local business parking lot (which may or may not have been down by the river). When police arrived, John took off. Cops believed he was clothed at this time, but 35 miles later, when John finally pulled over, he was not. Well, his shirt was on his head if that counts. Luckily, no one was hurt, and the church that owned the van is praying for him. Do pray for John, but maybe don't date him.

An unidentified 20-year-old man thought an Ohio rest area would be a good place to sunbathe...naked. Along busy I-90 in Conneaut, Ohio, rest area visitors complained to staff about a naked man who kept popping up and down in an adjoinig field. Staff called police. Police arrived and verified that the popping-up-and-down man was naked. The man said he didn't know people could see him. Although I unfortunately can't give you his name (because it wasn't in the article), avoid dating men whose invisibility cloaks are malfunctioning. I hope he used sunscreen.

Crackhead Larry Boyd and his lady friend stayed at the motel next to the Waffle House in Nashville, Tennessee. They got into a fight, and the lady friend fled to the Waffle House...naked. Larry followed...naked. She locked herself in the WH bathroom, and he fled in a car...naked. Police chased him. The naked lady said Larry took a hit of cocaine and started choking her. He got a few tickets. Avoid Larry.

Carlos Singleton of Jackson, Mississippi, loves the nightlife. Likely rocking out in his SUV to some house techno, Carlos didn't realize he'd hit two cars in the nightclub parking lot as he was leaving. However, others did realize that Carlos hit two cars, and they called the police. When he saw the fuzz on his tail, Carlos took off....naked. When Carlos eventually crashed into the third car, police were surprised to find him naked. As was bystander James Ford, who said, "When they pulled him, out he was butt naked." Oh eggcorns. Don't get in the car with Carlos.

Dating Tip: Don't Date Women Who Don't Check the Number Before Texting

In Salt Lake City, Utah, last week Detective Dan Wendelboth received a text message: "I have 10 Lortab 7.5." Finding it understandably amusing that he was being asked if he'd like to illegaly purchase a prescription painkiller, he responded, "How much?"
"$50."
"Where and when?"
"Wal-Mart parking lot 4700 south and 900 east at 8."
"K. C U then.

At Wal-Mart at 8:00, three woman arrived, one with the Lortab pills, one (not a doctor) with a prescription pad, and one along for the ride. A two-year-old child also came along for the ride, perhaps to learn the family business. (The child is currently in protective custody.) The women were not pleased. The first two were arrested, and the third was released.

Detective Wendelboth summed up the situation eloquently, saying the ladies "weren't real happy, but sometimes we only catch the dumb ones."

Dating Tip: Don't Date Men Who Don't Keep to the Right

On Saturday, January 26, Frank Kozumplik ran out of wine. Mr. Kozumplik, 49, of Adrian, Michigan, had let his wife take their car to work. Wineless and carless, Frank decided to remedy the first condition. After dropping two empty wine bottles (that were full earlier that evening) into the recycling bin, Frank hopped on his John Deere riding mower and drove two miles down the road to the liquor store, where he bought four bottles of wine.

With the paper bag o' wine secured snugly on his lap, Mr. Kozumplik began his return journey, down the middle of the road, in a snowstorm. He would have made it too if it weren't for those darn cops. Finding the situation a bit odd, local police pulled the man and mower over, and found that his blood alcohol level was 2 1/2 times the legal limit. They traded him a drunk-driving ticket for the wine, and they took his mower.

If he would have stayed on his side of the road he would have been fine.

Dating Tip: Don't Date People Who Drunk Dial

At 12:29 a.m. on Sunday, January 27, Dodge County, Wisconsin, 911 dispatchers received a call.

"I'd like to report a drunk driver. She's in a tan, 2002 pickup truck with an 'I heart cheese' bumper sticker. Also, there's two empty Snapple bottles on the backseat and 'You Give Love a Bad Name' is playing on the radio."

Then the caller hung up.
So they *69ed her.

"Hello, this is Patricia Dykstra, how may I help you?"
"This is Dodge County 911; you just called about a drunk driver."
"Oh yeah, my boyfriend told me to do it. He thinks I'm too drunk to drive home, but he's the one who's wasted."
"Are you drunk, ma'am?"
"Don't think so."
"Where are you now?"
"I'm heading north on Yew Road."
"Ooh, watch out, that road has a lot of potholes."
"Yeah, I'm swerving around 'em. You know, I really don't feel safe driving and talking on the phone."
"Okay, Pat, you drive safe now. Call anytime."

Ms. Dykstra, 51, and her boyfriend arrived home safely. They chatted with the police officers who were there to greet them, explaining that he had drank a twelve-pack, and that she had drank only a six-pack, so the smart choice was for her to drive. The cops told them to have a nice night, and gave Patricia a drunk-driving ticket.


This tip could also be titled "Don't Date 911 Dispatchers Who Don't Tell Drunk Drivers to Pull Over and Continue to Talk to the Drunk Driver on the Phone While the Drunk Driver Drives.

Dating Tip: Don't Date Guys Who Keep Their Marijuana in a Shopping Bag

On Thursday, January 24, babysitter extraordinaire Eduardo Nunez was pulled over for driving 110 mph in a 65 mph zone (also for going 97 in a 55). Nunez, a 26-year-old Bronx native, sped north on I-81 in an attempt to escape the pursuing Broome County sheriff's deputies. Silly Eddie, you know trying to outrun the cops is a bad idea. Why did you do it?

Oh wait, I know.

(1) A 3-year-old was asleep in the backseat without a seat belt on and without sitting in the required safety seat.
(2) Two 15-year-olds were smoking pot in the car.
(3) He had four pounds of marijuana sitting in a shopping bag in the car. (I hope it was a Dollar Store bag.)

Don't date Eduardo. I question his decision-making abilities.

Dating Tip: Don't Date Cops

Or at least not these two (sorry Stacy).

On Sunday in Berlin, Germany, two police officers engaged in a high-speed chase in an attempt to apprehend a speeding car. The speeder, understandably unnerved, crashed into another vehicle. The occupants of the speeding/now-crashed car fled the vehicle. The police officers jumped out of their car and pursued the offenders on foot.

However, they left the keys in the car. They soon saw their own vehicle, worth about $150,000, with them not in it, drive by.

The forgetfulness might be cute at first, especially because they wear uniforms, but it would get old after the fourth or fifth time coming home to an empty apartment because your significant other left the keys in the door.

Remember this story in case anyone remakes Keystone Kops.

Dating Tip: Don't Let Your Roommate Date a Girl Who is Sensitive About Her Braids

On Thursday January 3rd, Nikeya Alston had her hair braided by Tiffany Jackson's roommate in Nashville, Tennessee. Nikeya later became dissatisfied with her braids, and returned to Tiffany's home demanding that Tiffany now redo her braids. Tiffany told Nikeya that she would not redo her braids.

The next morning, Nikeya returned to the scene of the braiding. Noticing her reflection in Tiffany's car windows, she was once again reminded of how unhappy she was with her braids. She expressed her unhappiness by letting the air out of Tiffany's car tires. Later in the day, feeling her unhappiness hadn't been sufficiently expressed, Nikeya returned to Tiffany's apartment and shot Tiffany in the leg. Nikeya then fled...and still has not been found.

So, if you see Ms. Alston, or, more important, if your roommate is dating her, contact the Nashville Police. Don't touch her hair.

Dating Tip: Don't Date Guys with Machetes

(Because of the brilliant suggestion by my friend Sarah, January will be a theme month. This theme might save the world.)

On January 1, 2008, as the sun rose in the mobile home park of Casa del Monte, in West Palm Beach, Florida, one friend's disappointment in the other led to violence. The first, trusting friend lent the second friend $25.00 with which to purchase beer. When the first friend returned later and discovered beer had not been purchased, he was quite upset. He understandably requested that his money be returned to him. The second friend did not return the money. Left with no beer and no money, the first friend knew something must be done. The something to be done? Attack friend #2 with a machete.

Don't date a guy with a machete, and don't date a guy who has a friend with a machete. And always buy your own beer at six o'clock in the morning.

Dating Tip: Don't Date Semipro Hockey Players

Or, at least this one.

Jay Rosehill, twenty-two-year-old defenseman for the Norfolk Admirals (he's #8 and shoots left) was charged with third-degree grand larceny for stealing a car early this morning. In town to play the Binghamton Senators this evening, Mr. Rosehill decided to patronize a local adult entertainment club late last night. An employee of this club had turned her car on in the parking lot to warm it up, leaving it running and unattended. With the sense of entitlement semipro hockey players garner, Mr. Rosehill assumed this meant she was giving him her car. He hopped in and drove it to another adult entertainment club up the road.

However, this employee was in fact not giving her car to him, and quickly told the cops so. At 1:25 a.m. cops found the car at the other adult entertainment club, and saw the adroit defenseman running away from the car. He's currently being held without bail and waiting for further action in Broome County Court.

I wonder if this is a 15 minute penalty.

Local Celebrities

Good job Sara and Gregg. I'm so proud of you!
Read about them here.

In this edition of Why the World Needs Copy Editors:

The following is a section head in the book I’m editing:
Is there a place for psycho education?

Interesting question. I’m sure many psychos utilize the public school system. Prisons have libraries and education classes, so incarcerated psychos have a place to be educated. Magazine subscriptions are available to psychos, as are bookstores, libraries, and the Internet, so, actually, many places exist for psycho education. Or do you mean “should psychos be educated?” Well, I think everybody should be educated, perhaps especially psychos. It may help them with their psychoness. That’s not what you mean either?

Let’s see. “Is there” is quite vague, which led to my confusion. And since the paragraph that followed did not talk about where psychos can be educated or whether psychos should be educated, I’m led to believe that “psycho education” should be “psychoeducation.” So, after a brief review of the section, I took my magic pencil (or magic electronic tracked changes) and changed this heading to: “Is Psychoeducation Useful?”

This heading did not involve your typical, everyday typo or misspelled/misused words. In fact, you may not have even known anything was wrong with the heading until I enlightened you. (You’re welcome.) However, had I not changed this heading, others may have been as confused as I was, or, even worse, some readers may have gone on to write “psycho education” on a paper or exam and perpetuate the error. Even though it would have been so, so funny to leave it as it was, I, for the betterment of everything in the world, changed the heading.

Want even more of me?

If you enjoy reading my blog (or even if you don't), please visit my new Associated Content page here. Make a shortcut on your desktop and check it every five minutes . . . not because it will have new stuff every five minutes, but because I will get paid incrementally by page hits. I need at least one thousand hits to receive a performance payment, but what the heck, I'm ambitious, and poor. For some content I will receive upfront payments, but for other articles I will be paid by visitor count only.

This won't make me rich, but it may let me get an extra shot or two in my latte, movie admission, maybe a tank of gas if what I write is awesome. I like writing, I do it all of the time, so it makes sense to me, especially with the hubby in college and my company's pending closing, to make a little money from it if I can.

I've continued and will continue to offer writing tips on the AC site (you know you love them), and I'll also be writing social commentary, opinion pieces, maybe some reviews. I will be contributing often. I'm still keeping this blog, which now may become even more self-indulgent, so don't worry about not being informed about my rants, musings, and weirdoness.

The Capitalist Christian

Executive director of the National Labor Committee Charles Kernaghan has reported that crucifixes sold by the Singer Company, a member of the Association for Christian Retail (CBA), were manufactured under horrific conditions in a Chinese sweatshop. The “Christian” retail association’s response: “Nuh uh. Liar liar pants on fire.”

Bill Anderson, president of the Association for Christian Retail, a trade group, said in a statement yesterday that Mr. Kernaghan’s claims about manufacture of religious items overseas were “unfounded and irresponsible.” He said the group has never received concrete proof that items sold by its members were manufactured in sweatshops. In fact, he said, the organization’s members make regular trips to overseas factories to “ensure quality control as well as inspect working conditions.”

The CBA is most likely right. I mean, Kernaghan’s track record includes outing only Disney, Fruit of the Loom, Gap, JCPenney, Kmart, Kohl’s, Levi’s, Nike, Puff Daddy/P Diddy/Diddy, and Target, among others. Like Kathy Lee Gifford. Kernaghan has no idea what he’s talking about. CBA members sell Christian stuff, duh. Jesus would totally manufacture merchandise as cheaply as possible and then mark it way up and sell it to his followers, especially to his followers who think it’s more important to look Christian than to act Christian. As long as his name was on their T-shirts and his method of death was hanging around their necks, Jesus wouldn’t really care if they actually followed his teachings.

But I digress.

This AP article shows pictures of the crucifixes, including model number and where they were bought. A protest was held yesterday in front of Saint Patrick’s Cathedral in New York City, one of the churches who sold Singer crucifixes. The article also includes pictures of the sweatshop, where Chinese women work one hundred hours a week, for seven days a week, for twenty-six cents an hour, with no sick time or vacation time. The young women’s living conditions are disgusting; the dorms are filthy and their food is slop. Another church selling the crucifixes was Episcopal Trinity on Wall Street. Both churches removed the crucifixes immediately when they were told of the merchandise’s origins. The crucifixes did not include the required “Made in China” sticker, and the churches believed that the crucifixes were made in Italy, as Singer had told them.

So if you are planning to buy Christian paraphernalia for Christmas, for Christ’s sake please make sure the vendor is not a member of the Association for Christian Retail.

The National Labor Committee’s report can be found here.



Evil men do not understand justice, but those who seek the LORD understand it fully.
Proverbs 28:5.

Gooder writing tip #11 (supplement)

Some instances when the passive voice is *gasp* preferred:
When the object is what's important, and the actor (subject) is not important or is unknown, as in scientific text or police reports.

Examples.
Juvenile dispersal is seen in black-capped chickadees.

That juvenile dispersal occurs among black-capped chickadees is what's important. If I write, "The ornithologist witnessed juvenile dispersal in the chickadee population," I've made the ornithologist the topic, which I did not intend.

The victim was stabbed three times in the leg.

The victim having been stabbed is the important information in this sentence. Especially because the stabber is unknown, it is best to write the sentence passively. This sentence is better than writing, "Somebody stabbed the victim three times," because, as with the ornithologist, I've placed the attention on "somebody," and this is not the sentence's focus. Later, when the stabber is discovered, feel free to give him or her credit for the acccomplishment. "Jerkhead McAhole stabbed the victim three times in the leg."

Gooder writing tip #11

Today's lesson: Passive voice.

The Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, 11th edition, definition for passive regarding voice is:
"Asserting that the grammatical subject of a verb is subjected to or affected by the action represented by that verb." Meaning, the subject of the sentence is acted on instead of acting. If the subject acts, it is called the active voice.

Chicago Manual of Style, 15th edition, offers the following explanation for active and passive voice: "Voice shows whether the subject acts (active voice) or is acted on (passive voice)--that is, whether the subject performs or receives the action of the verb."

Subject acted on = passive.
Subject acting = active.

Examples.
A Johnny Depp movie was watched by me = passive.
I watched a Johnny Depp movie = active.

A blog entry was written by me = passive.
I wrote a blog entry = active.

A good trigger for recognizing passive voice is if the sentence contains a form of "to be," such as am, are, be, been, being, had been, has been, have been, is, was, were, will be, will have been. "To be" is usually followed by a past participle.

Past participle.
To rely on Webster's again, a participle is "a word having the characteristics of both verb and adjective; esp: an English verbal form that has the function of an adjective and at the same time shows such verbal features as tense and voice and capacity to take an object." Or, more simply put, it is a verb that ends in "ing" or "ed" (or its equivalent).

The falling leaves are dead.
The dead leaves are falling.
"Falling" is present participle.

He drank the stirred martini.
He stirred the martini then drank it.
"Stirred" is a past participle.

According to Owl at Purdue, "past participles end in -ed, -en, -d, -t, or -n, as in the words asked, eaten, saved, dealt, and seen."

You are more likely to encounter the verb version of the participle when seeking or writing passive voice.

"To be" + past participle = passive voice.

Hint: Make sure "been" is included with "had," has," or "have." For example, "Tara will have watched ten Johnny Depp movies by Monday" is not passive. Tara is the subject, who is doing the acting. Also make sure the participle is a past participle. For example, "Tara has been watching Johnny Depp movies all day" is still active because the participle is present. "Ten Johnny Depp movies will have been watched by Tara" is passive voice.

Another way to recognize passive voice is sentence structure.
Subject, verb, object = active.
Object, verb, subject = passive.

In case anyone tries to tell you otherwise, the passive voice is not grammatically incorrect. It is okay to use the passive voice in moderation (or less). However, passive voice can be vague and often annoying, especially when it is overused. If you want to write a bad essay/paper/thesis/book, begin most of your sentences with "There is" or "There are." If I had been paid by all of the instances of "there is" and "there are" I've had to change instead of by the hour, I could have comfortably retired long ago. Authors use these all the time. Also watch out for "it is." (In the second sentence of this paragraph I said that it is okay to use the passive voice in moderation. A more active sentence would have been "You can use passive voice in moderation.")

My advice? Be more bold, more authoritative. Tell the reader who established those laws, not just that they were established. Tell me who discriminated against the indigenous people, not just that they were discriminated against. Tell me who thinks Johnny Depp is handsome, not just that Johnny Depp is considered handsome. This requires more guts, more research, and will garner you more respect.

This passage from Capital Community College in Hartford, CT, says it well:

We find an overabundance of the passive voice in sentences created by self-protective business interests, magniloquent educators, and bombastic military writers (who must get weary of this accusation), who use the passive voice to avoid responsibility for actions taken. Thus "Cigarette ads were designed to appeal especially to children" places the burden on the ads — as opposed to "We designed the cigarette ads to appeal especially to children," in which "we" accepts responsibility. At a White House press briefing we might hear that "The president was advised that certain members of Congress were being audited" rather than "The Head of the Internal Revenue service advised the president that her agency was auditing certain members of Congress" because the passive construction avoids responsibility for advising and for auditing.

And the winner is:

The most important election day results are in. The new Capital of the Pierogy Pocket of America is....Binghamton!! Good job, voters! And the $10,000 prize money is going to CHOW. The announcement is here.

You know how to celebrate.

Happy birthday, Ida

Today is the birthday of fellow Allegheny alumnus and muckraker extraordinaire, Ida Tarbell, class of 1880. If you listened to the Writer's Almanac this morning, you heard from Garrison that today is Ida's birthday, that her superb journalism exposed the corruption of the Standard Oil Company, that her accomplishment was the first instance an American corporation was brought down by a journalist. Mr. Keillor, though, failed to mention the most important fact of her life--that she went to Allegheny College, of course--so I felt it important to enlighten you. Happy birthday, Ida.